in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
