Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
