I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
