You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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