she takes plan B like it's going out of style
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
