she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize