I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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