You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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