he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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