There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it's like iHOP with fire
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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