If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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