Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
