You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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