My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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