I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
