the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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