I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
