cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
