Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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