if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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