Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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