dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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