I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
