I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm bleeding and have questions
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
