he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
