cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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