and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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