What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
