Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
handjob tips. give me some.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
