side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
