is wine microwaveable?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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