Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
