She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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