you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
