I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
