she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
