Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
