I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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