yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
