Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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