filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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