i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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