she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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