Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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