when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Too much gin, very little bucket
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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