The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
