bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
