Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
