Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
