just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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