I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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