what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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