I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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