it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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