I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
