You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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