woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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