its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
