i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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