she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
