I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
